Conflicts in marriage: turning towards vs away from your spouse

Are you and your spouse constantly facing conflicts in your marriage? 

It’s normal to have disagreements with one another, but when it becomes an everyday occurrence, it can quickly break down your relationship and lower the quality of your relationship with each other. 

How you approach these situations can have lasting effects on your relationship, however, and how you react during the fight will set the tone for the rest of the conversation. 

For example, turning away from your partner may feel easier in the short-term, but it often results in increased tension and resentment that are harder to overcome in the long-term. So how do you know when to turn towards or turn away from your partner? 

Read on to learn more about both options of turning away vs turn towards and how each approach works best during different types of conflicts.

How to tell if you are turning away

We all know that conflict is inevitable. Sometimes it's the result of differing opinions and sometimes it's due to miscommunication. But no matter the cause, a conflict is bound to happen at some point in your relationship. And when this does happen, you need to decide how you're going to react. It can be difficult; we often want to avoid them altogether and hope they just go away on their own accord.

But ignoring a problem won't make it magically disappear! If you’re turning away because you’re afraid of confrontation, don’t worry! Conflict doesn't have to always be seen as negative. As long as both parties feel respected and heard, it can actually strengthen the relationship rather than harm it.

The best thing you can do is work together with your partner to find a solution to the problem so both of you feel heard and respected. When conflicts arise, instead of turning away from each other (such as not speaking for days), try turning towards each other (like talking and sharing your thoughts/opinions).

What does it mean to turn towards each other during conflict?

Turning towards means that even when you disagree with your partner, you're still trying to find a way to resolve the conflict together. Turning towards your partner during a conflict is a sign of acceptance and respect for them. It indicates that you're willing to hear what they have to say and work with them to find a solution. 

The next time you feel like turning away, try reflecting on what caused you to feel this way. If it's an unresolved issue, ask your partner if they would be open to discussing it with you more. If it's something they did wrong, tell them so they can make amends.

Here are ten tips for turning towards your partner in the midst of a conflict. 

1. Try to keep the focus on your partner's experience and how they feel, not on how you feel about what they said or did.

2. Focus on understanding your partner’s perspective, even if you disagree with them. 

3. Look for areas where you agree as well as areas where there is disagreement. 

4. Invite your partner to tell you more about why they think or felt the way that they did.

5. Ask questions to help clarify each other’s points of view. 

6. Resist making assumptions about your partner’s motivations or intentions. 

7. Validate your partner's feelings without blaming yourself. 

8. Accept responsibility for mistakes you made or things you could have done differently. 

9. Apologize if necessary and ask forgiveness when appropriate. 

10. Forgive yourself and forgive your partner.

In conclusion , do not turn away when conflicts arise. It can be challenging to respond to conflicts by turning towards your partner. It’s not always easy to keep your focus on their experience, or even apologize when you’re wrong! But learning how to turn towards conflict is a critical skill for successful relationships. It doesn’t guarantee that conflicts won’t occur again in your relationship, but it does increase your understanding of each other and it helps strengthen bonds between you. And isn't that what couples coaching is all about?

It’s never too late to take the first step towards strengthening your relationship. If you and your partner are struggling with communication and conflict resolutions, relationship coaching can help. This type of coaching is an ideal solution for couples who are proactive, ready to make a change and invested in seeing real results quickly. Reach out today! (909) 846-9743